New goals for 2009

I don't make new year resolutions, cant recall ever doing so, maybe this is though.

a couple years ago i decided i would sit down and make a list of things i wanted to do in the next year (sounds like a resolution). i would cross these off as i achieved each. i guess i'll make public a few things i can think of now that i want to do in 2009 and just add as the year goes on.

1. Learn to make basic childrens clothes (lucy dress)      DONE
2. Learn to use pleater and make bishop dresses
3. start playing tennis again                                                 DOING
4. enjoy life                                                                              DOING
5. compliment people more often (totally subjective goal but working so far)
6. Read a Beethoven biography                                            IN PROGRESS
7. Finish MLK's autobiography                                             IN PROGRESS
8. Finish the Ethics for the New Millenium book               IN PROGRESS
9. Create craft space that is organized                                

It's a New Year!

It is the new year and time for a fresh new outlook. So many things have happened since the last post and I have found so many more neat things that I will be posting like mad. Instead of going on and on about my life, below is the list of highlights from the last month or 2 and then I will just post the good fun crafty stuff. Happy and Healthy New Year to all!
1. Graduated (phew!)
2. Relaxed!
3. Enjoyed time with family and friends
4. Got a really good massage
5. Baked, baked, and baked

Seems like as good a time as any

it's been awhile and many things have changed, as they tend to do with the passing of time.
good and bad things have happened between the last post and now-im sure not unlike others. maybe it is the approaching holiday season or just the series of events in the last few weeks, but i am feeling very grateful for everything i have.
i guess i could go on and on about things that aren't positive, but, right now it seems inappropriate.
life changes are difficult sometimes.

on a strange note-i picked up some Yogi Peach Detox tea at the store the other day (on a whim) and find that it is actually pretty good. i dont care for herbal teas at all, nor do i even care for some of the ingredients in this tea, but they blend so well together. Even if it's not beneficial, i think i will keep buying it.

oh wow, even better. when i went to the site to link to the peach detox, i saw that they are giving away a 3 tea variety sample pack. yay! Click here for the link to the free Yogi tea samples.

What dreams did you have as a kid?

What did you want to be when you grew up? What did you picture your life as in the future?

I was reading something about Gwen Stefani the other day that said she always imagined herself being a housewife and having kids, that was what she pictured her perfect future as being.

It made me think again about what I pictured my life as being when I was younger. I always saw myself as traveling around the world. Not necessarily going on vacations around the world-i never thought of these things as vacations. But rather, living in different places for periods of time, or being in different places for the purpose of working or helping others.
I remember when i was in school (undergrad) telling people I wanted to be a flight attendant and people would laugh. But really, I always thought it would be a fantastic job. It paid enough to pay bills, you got to travel, and an added benefit to the job would be free travel. I mean, all I ever really wanted was a job that would allow me to fulfill that dream. I wasn't concerned about money or kids or getting married, just about how to get to where i wanted to be.

now i am wondering, how can i attain that. i mean, it is still a dream of mine, but i wonder now, how much is that a dream of mine? if this is what i really want, then i can find a way to make it happen. and i also wonder, how many people are out there just floating around living their life and going through the motions as opposed to living their dream or finding a way to live that dream.

Haagen-Dazs-Sticky Toffee Pudding

so the point of this blog is to be a place for me to have therapy. therapy where its only one sided, no other view to contend with, the amount of reflection required is dependent upon what i decide i want and when i want, its at the time and place i want it, when i want it, and in the form i want it, not scheduled once a week for an hour-like i really schedule my moods.
i am particularly in a writing mood. i wondered a few things, the first of which is-wow, there are people with a glimpse into how my mind works now.
anyways, i thought about this robe i am wearing and it triggered a memory. i remember about what year i bought the robe, where it was purchased, and the person that was with me when i made the purchase. it got me thinking a few things. first-what is it about memories that suddenly come back-those that are seemingly meaningless. then, i thought about how they really arent that meaningless if we set and reflect on them.
i have two takes on the memory of this robe.
1. it makes me think about how if i have memories and specific emotions attached to items OR if i have memories that tend to elicit memories that i dont want to have, then i should get rid of those items.
2. it makes me think about how stupid i was for spending that much money on a robe. all i was looking for was a robe to wear when i got out of the shower. but i didnt have a clue about how to do that, clueless. i was already 17 years old. how is it that a seventeen year old girl doesnt know a thing about where to even begin to go to buy a robe. how is it that my thought was that i needed a robe, so i needed to drive an hour to the galleria to victoria's secret just so i could get a robe. and that whatever selection they had in there was what i had to choose from-cause of course, no one else sold robes-where else would i go? and of course, what 17 year old girl doesnt require an $89 robe? i mean, that much money for a robe now is ridiculous-and its what, 13 years later.
now mind you, i realize i still have the robe and so if you divided up the cost over the years it seems like i got a bargain. but, come on, that wasnt the point.
so, it makes me think, where in the crap was my female role model? shouldn't i have had more of a female role model in my life? was i really that completely without guidance?
i know, its just a robe, but the thing is-it's made me think about things. i dont come to these conclusions based on one incident alone. i come to these conclusions based on the cumulation of events over my life.
so now what?
i lay here on the couch, therapying away, in a robe that triggered a small opening of the gate. its too bad all that happened before i could blog about how good that ice cream was i had tonight.

Phew, sigh of relief

ok, so i feel much more balanced today, phew. while i was at michael's yesterday, i picked up this pack of 8 photo cards with envelopes for $1.00. They are really cute, I'm surprised I would buy something that cute, especially given my current moods. Anyway, thought I should add something cheery here.

I turned in my work today, and fingers crossed, it will be liked. Worrying about it won't help me so, I think I'll just work on some stuff that has to get done regardless of the outcome. In the meantime, maybe I will be able to refocus the next few weeks and come out of the gates at the end of the month at full speed-ready to tackle anything. let's just not crash.

how many lives do we lead?

how many lives do we lead? i am thinking i have about 2 or 3. some people more but i bet a lot of people have more than one, at least more people than one might think.

tonight i am not leading my current (known to everyone) life, i am somewhere else psychologically, have been since this afternoon.

i am pretty sure that i am just pretending im not living the life im living.

i am out here if you cant sleep.

Today really has had its ups and downs

Part 1

It's been a long few days and I am feeling tired-much more tired than normal. The day started out with me in a rush but then calmed down (or calmed rather). I had noticed the sun shining down so brightly, the light was so pretty. Then I saw this tree, so perfectly placed and sitting there as if it was born to be there in that spot and that spot was made just for that tree. And I saw the light shining down on it as if something magical was happening. I paused and looked at the tree, with the sun shining down, and kind of smiled inside. I spent a few moments looking at the tree and walked away. But I kept coming back to the tree, maybe 3 or 4 times, because I really was mesmerized by it (and no I had not had any drugs or mind altering substances). So I took a picture of it, to kind of try to capture the moment. From a semi-objective perspective, it's not a good picture. But from my perspective, it brings me back to being mesmerized by its power.

oops, I was again so mesmerized by that picture that I forgot to finish writing.

So-on goes the day and as I was leaving that area, where I saw the tree, for that day, I couldn't help but being drawn to another image. An image that was in such stark contrast, psychologically, to that of the tree. This flower growing and blooming out of a fence-the fence having split the flowers and its growth. How to look at this situation? Are the flowers having to fight against the strong fence? Is it that it has joined with the fence and is now part of the fence? Was this just poor landscaping? Or something else?

Tonight

My ultimate favorite song to listen to for some about 8 months now has been
Beethoven's Piano Sonata #14
I can listen to it repeatedly

I have listened to Fur Elise for my entire adult life whenever things haven't been going well and I listen to it repeatedly

I just played it and it reminded me that this song helps
and yet
I can't help
but be drawn to listening to Sonata #14
instead

I cannot give you what you seek

Good Morning everyone. I hope that everyone is having a fabulous day so far. It is hump day and I definitely feel like that is an accurate metaphor for how I feel about my life right now. So many things are coming together, so many things need to be attended to, important details, things that impact my life and others and not just for now, but for the future.
Sometimes the things that you want so desperately, and long for so desperately, just don't come to fruition. And quite frankly, it may have absolutely nothing to do with me-it just is.
I don't particularly like to reference movies or TV but sometimes find it helps to explain or better describe a point. In one of the Lord of the Rings movies (they were running them back to back the other week) I remember the guy (the one that's supposed to be the "real king" or some such thing) turning to the woman and saying "I cannot give you what you seek." And he gets on his horse and rides off. To me, that is how I feel sometimes-I am the one hearing the words "I cannot give you what you seek." And quite honestly, that is a hard pill to swallow.