What did you want to be when you grew up? What did you picture your life as in the future?
I was reading something about Gwen Stefani the other day that said she always imagined herself being a housewife and having kids, that was what she pictured her perfect future as being.
It made me think again about what I pictured my life as being when I was younger. I always saw myself as traveling around the world. Not necessarily going on vacations around the world-i never thought of these things as vacations. But rather, living in different places for periods of time, or being in different places for the purpose of working or helping others. I remember when i was in school (undergrad) telling people I wanted to be a flight attendant and people would laugh. But really, I always thought it would be a fantastic job. It paid enough to pay bills, you got to travel, and an added benefit to the job would be free travel. I mean, all I ever really wanted was a job that would allow me to fulfill that dream. I wasn't concerned about money or kids or getting married, just about how to get to where i wanted to be.
now i am wondering, how can i attain that. i mean, it is still a dream of mine, but i wonder now, how much is that a dream of mine? if this is what i really want, then i can find a way to make it happen. and i also wonder, how many people are out there just floating around living their life and going through the motions as opposed to living their dream or finding a way to live that dream.
well, i think it's been awhile since i posted. one is because i have been busy being miserable with myself, writing, and generally being miserable with myself. anyhow, i got a book in my last amazon.com order that i ordered because it was on my list of "recommended" items. i read a few pages, put it down, read a few pages, put it down. then i read a few pages a day or so ago and read the rest of the book. i have to say that the book was just what i needed to lift my spirits. i dont watch a lot of television but understand that chelsea handler has a television show and that shes really funny-but i havent seen it. but based on reading my horizontal life, i must get her other book that's out. i tell you, the book made me laugh, a lot. but on a side note-i think she has inspired me to have a better time in life. i think im in the same state that she finds herself in during most of the book-you should read the book, it's hilarious.
so the point of this blog is to be a place for me to have therapy. therapy where its only one sided, no other view to contend with, the amount of reflection required is dependent upon what i decide i want and when i want, its at the time and place i want it, when i want it, and in the form i want it, not scheduled once a week for an hour-like i really schedule my moods. i am particularly in a writing mood. i wondered a few things, the first of which is-wow, there are people with a glimpse into how my mind works now. anyways, i thought about this robe i am wearing and it triggered a memory. i remember about what year i bought the robe, where it was purchased, and the person that was with me when i made the purchase. it got me thinking a few things. first-what is it about memories that suddenly come back-those that are seemingly meaningless. then, i thought about how they really arent that meaningless if we set and reflect on them. i have two takes on the memory of this robe. 1. it makes me think about how if i have memories and specific emotions attached to items OR if i have memories that tend to elicit memories that i dont want to have, then i should get rid of those items. 2. it makes me think about how stupid i was for spending that much money on a robe. all i was looking for was a robe to wear when i got out of the shower. but i didnt have a clue about how to do that, clueless. i was already 17 years old. how is it that a seventeen year old girl doesnt know a thing about where to even begin to go to buy a robe. how is it that my thought was that i needed a robe, so i needed to drive an hour to the galleria to victoria's secret just so i could get a robe. and that whatever selection they had in there was what i had to choose from-cause of course, no one else sold robes-where else would i go? and of course, what 17 year old girl doesnt require an $89 robe? i mean, that much money for a robe now is ridiculous-and its what, 13 years later. now mind you, i realize i still have the robe and so if you divided up the cost over the years it seems like i got a bargain. but, come on, that wasnt the point. so, it makes me think, where in the crap was my female role model? shouldn't i have had more of a female role model in my life? was i really that completely without guidance? i know, its just a robe, but the thing is-it's made me think about things. i dont come to these conclusions based on one incident alone. i come to these conclusions based on the cumulation of events over my life. so now what? i lay here on the couch, therapying away, in a robe that triggered a small opening of the gate. its too bad all that happened before i could blog about how good that ice cream was i had tonight.
ok, so i feel much more balanced today, phew. while i was at michael's yesterday, i picked up this pack of 8 photo cards with envelopes for $1.00. They are really cute, I'm surprised I would buy something that cute, especially given my current moods. Anyway, thought I should add something cheery here.
I turned in my work today, and fingers crossed, it will be liked. Worrying about it won't help me so, I think I'll just work on some stuff that has to get done regardless of the outcome. In the meantime, maybe I will be able to refocus the next few weeks and come out of the gates at the end of the month at full speed-ready to tackle anything. let's just not crash.